THIS IS WRONG

Panicking and screaming hysterically is an excellent technique to get to the front of the queue. Singing Spice Girls songs is also a first class strategy to make people stand aside and let you through.
It is also generally acknowledged that you should NEVER inflate your life jacket whilst on board.

THIS IS ALSO WRONG

An inflated life jacket is an absolutely excellent for barging people out of the way as you make your spice girl singing pelt towards the exit.

On Hitting the water

The first rule on hitting the water is: don't drown. This is such a simple rule but you'd be amazed at how many non-swimmers simply ignore it.

Cooking in the sea

As your plane crashes into the sea there will also be oil spillages. Take a lighter in a waterproof box and you can turn these oil spillages into an excellent improvised barbecue


(figure 2- improvised barbecue

Water Rations

If you have no water it is important that you have a very strict rationing system. The following is a rationing system that can keep you going for up to eight days without any water.

Day One: No water required. Presumably you've already had something to drink today and the body dousn't need anything for quite some time yet. Promise yourself that you'll have a drink tomorrow
Day Two: No water required. You have the fun and excitement of the crash to talk about. If you feel thirsty this hould act as a distraction. Promise yourself you'll have a drink tomorrow.
Day Three: Keep talking about the crash- when you're bored with this, talk about the possibility of a shark attack, this should soon get rid of your thirst obsession. Promise yourself you'll have something to drink tomorrow.
Day Four: No, not today- tomorrow, definatly tomorow.
Day Five: Tell yourself you never said "definatly tomorrow". You must have misheard yourself.
Day Six: Tell yourself today is definatly the day to establish a proper water rationing timetable. First drink tomorrow.
Day Seven: Trick yourself into thinking you've already had a drink today and that you have temporary amnesia.
Day Eight: Think if you dont have a drink today you can have two tomorrow.
Day nine: Die of thirst.

Shark Attack

Its important to get things into perspective. This isn't the movvies and the truth is that very few shark attacks have been reported by survivors. This is because they have all been eaten.

How to Avoid Dangerous Fish

The best way to avoid this is to not have landed there in the first place i mean it would have been a good idea wouldn't it? Well wouldn't it? Yes it would, but you haven't have you? not clever at all.
Lets take a look at the overall picture; you plane has crashed, you're adrift in some ocean, probably cold lost and miserable, and to cap it all a big fish is trying to eat you.
Is being eaten so bad?
Are you sure?

I mean what the hell else have you got going for you?
The shark could be doing you a big favour. I mean being bitten in half by a shark- is it really so bad? Does it really hurt? At first maybe, obviously there will be a little tweak as it crunches through the bone and skin, but how long will that last 20-30 seconds, and then all your problems are over.

I've thought about it and I still don't want to die

You wuss!

But if you're on of these people and you've landed in the sea and now you're surrounded by sharks. Dont do anything that may give away your position. Sharks can detect blood, excrement and vomit therefore it is vital the you get your excrement as far away from you as possible, the best techninques are not the discus 360 degree spin or thewell aimed skimmer but a small paper plane, with luck and a warm air current it is garanteed to get it as far away from you as possible.

Look out for part 2 soon